How do you know if you are really being abused? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Many women do not realize that their partners are abusive. At the beginning of a relationship the man is charming and only becomes abusive once the woman has committed to the relationship. It starts with little things and grows slowly over time.
The analogy I use is like How to boil a Frog. A frog would never willing let himself be boiled alive. He’d jump out of the pot to escape the danger. But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant, and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling, the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late. We are similar to the frog in that we are geared towards detecting sudden changes, not gradual ones.
Common things abused individuals say:
- “(S)he’s never hit me? What do you mean I am being abuse?”
- “It isn’t that bad. (S)he’s never left a bruise?”
- “I started it, I made him/her angry, (s)he didn’t mean it.”
- “Maybe it isn’t what it seems. Maybe I’m confused.”
- “(S)he said no one would believe me any ways. (S)he’s probably right.”
Common things abusers say:
- You’re so stupid / Can’t you remember anything? / Worthless / Ugly / Fat / a Burden.
- You don’t even know how keep the house in a decent state / you can’t keep anything straight / you’re a paranoid (or) bad mother and hopeless cook / frigid / bitch / whore / no-one else would want you.
- If you tell anyone else about the abuse… you’ll be sorry / no-one will believe you / I’ll report you to social services as an unfit mother. “You don’t know who you’re up against.
- If you try or leave me. I’ll take the kids and go, you’ll never see them again (or) You will never get away / you couldn’t cope without me / no-one else will have you / I’ll snatch the kids and you’ll never see them again / I’ll track you down and find you even if it takes years and then I’ll kill you so you’ll never be able to live in peace never knowing when it will happen.
- If you leave me I’ll kill myself and you’ll have to explain to our children why their dad is dead and it’ll be on your conscience for the rest of your life.
How to I take the assessment?
- At the home page, select the situation you want to assess.
There are unique MOSAIC systems for different situations, including: (1) Threats and fear in the workplace, (2) Threats by students, (3) Threats against judges, (3) Threats against public figures and public officials, (4) Spousal abuse situations.
- Set up an account
- take the assessment – the results will be emailed to you.
If you take the assessment, and are being abused, DO NOT set up your assessment using your email address, on your computer. Use a safer computer, a new email account, and a password that you have never used before. (See below for more details)
Computer use can be monitored in many ways, and some people are very talented at finding private information. Among many examples, your browser history contains the websites you visit, and there are software programs that can secretly record everything done on a computer. If you feel your computer usage might be monitored:
- Use a safer computer, perhaps one at the home of a trusted friend, or a computer at a public place.
- Be sure the email address where we send your password cannot be read by anyone other than you. If you’re uncertain, obtain a new email address for this purpose.
- You’ll be sent a temporary password. After you’ve gained access to MOSAIC, it’s your responsibility to immediately change your password.
- Select a password that nobody will be able to guess or figure out, no matter how well they might know you.
- We commit that the email address and password you provide will not be used by us for any purpose other than ensuring your private access to this site.